


Through The Haze

by ShianneUrami



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-28
Updated: 2012-08-28
Packaged: 2017-11-12 20:19:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/495267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShianneUrami/pseuds/ShianneUrami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He visits her every few nights and talks to her even more. She's been dead for a while, but it's 0kay because he still gets to talk to her.</p><p>Sort of...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Through The Haze

\-- twinArmageddons (TA) began trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG) at 13:38 --  
  
TA: hey kk, can ii 2end you thii2 log wiith aa? 2he told me two tell you a few thiing2 and ii don’t feel liike typiing them all out.  
  
TA: kk?  
  
TA: kk? you 2tiill there?  
  
Karkat stared at the screen, holding his head in his hands, his claws pricking his scalp. It was hard to swallow, looking at those words. What the hell was he supposed to say? What COULD he say? There wasn’t a way to say anything that wouldn’t break the other troll’s bloodpusher. Destroy what little sanity he DID have.  
  
TA: thii2 ii2 kiind of iimportant a22hat. ii’d be real 2tellar of you iif you could pay attentiion for liike, two 2econd2. 2he 2aiid iit wa2 pretty iimportant.  
  
Karkat groaned, watching another wall of mustard text pop up. Sollux! You idiot! He pushed his husktop away, didn’t close it, but pushed it away so he could just look at the screen. How could he be so blind? There was nothing he could do for his best friend at this point but let him careen down this horrid road of lies. Kanaya had told him it would be best not to say anything.  
  
This is how Sollux was coping. It might have been Vriska’s fault, but Sollux was the one that killed Aradia. He was the one who woke in the rubble of what was once her hive with the lingering taste of mind honey and fatigue from over usage of his psionics.  
  
Sollux was the one to find her body among the wreckage. The rust blood had been everywhere. And he was the one that KNEW he’d done this. He blamed himself above everyone else. He had killed her. And to keep himself at least somewhat sane through the whole endeavor, he’d taken to talking to her.  
  
No one else could, because, these talks were all in Sollux’s head. If one of the other trolls were to read one of his logs with Aradia, they’d just see a one sided conversation. Sollux was lying to himself, and had himself convinced that she was still there. Aradia had been gone for a few perigrees and no one could bring themselves to tell him. He was too dead set in his ideals that she was still here. No one had the strength to tell him the truth.  
  
TA: fiine. ii’ll talk two you 2ome other tiime kk. preferably when you’re not bu2y jackiing off.  
  
TA: aa 2aiid 2he needed two 2ee me anyway. ii gotta go.  
  
\-- twinArmageddons (TA) ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG) at 13:51 –  
  
Sollux pushed himself away from the desk, slamming the husktop shut. If Karkat couldn’t be bothered to even answer, he wasn’t even worth Sollux’s time at this point. An eye for an eye. He grabbed his jacket off the rack and threw open his window. He climbed up onto the sill and jumped.  
  
The familiar sparks of electricity surrounding him made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. He smiled lightly, pulling on his jacket. He was going to see AA. And when he went to talk to her, it didn’t matter what had happened before, he always left in a good mood. Relatively speaking.  
  
She was a ghost. He could talk to her. But beyond that… It was hard. It was hard and no one understood. Sollux didn’t really expect them to either. He thought it was probably just his vision twofold. He tried not to think about it. He was able to talk to his best friend even though she was dead. Why complain?  
  
It was a long flight out into the middle of nowhere, and his guts clenched at the sight of her destroyed hive. He had done that. He had caused all that pain and devastation. He’d killed her. But, it wasn’t all bad. He could still talk to her at least. So it didn’t hurt quite as bad. Something did bother him though. Every time he asked if she forgave him, there would be a long time with no answer, and when she did reply, she changed the subject. It hurt, but he understood. He’d probably hold a grudge if his best friend killed him as well.  
  
With his mind elsewhere he almost slipped in the grass, slick with the beginnings of frost. He caught himself, climbing the rest of the way over the hill. The wind was cold out here, biting at his exposed skin. But it would be worth it if he could talk to her tonight.  
  
“AA?” he called.  
  
The rolling hills were silent. This was normal though. It usually took a few tries before she’d come talk with him.  
  
“C’mon AA! It’th freezing out here. Come keep me company, will you?”  
  
There was still no answer. Sollux rubbed his arms, letting out a cloud of condensation with a sigh,  
  
“AA, you’re un-bee-lieveable tonight!” he called again, the irritation starting to get into his words.  
  
Suddenly her soft laugh was surrounding him. It was warm on his skin, coaxing out a smile. He always had trouble hearing her, but he could if he strained,  
  
“Your bee puns are always the best Sollux.”  
  
He let out a soft sigh. Finally. He chuckled, saying something to start one of their evening chats. It was better this way, Sollux thought. He could hear her voice instead of seeing her text. It was more personal. Before he knew it, almost an hour had passed by. He sat down in the grass, ignoring the wetness. After laughing about something Karkat had done, they’d both trailed off. Eventually Sollux’s cracked voice asked,  
  
“Hey AA? Can I… try thomething?”  
  
The wind blew through his hair, her words a whisper in his ear,  
  
“Of course Sollux. What is it?”  
  
He didn’t explain. The red and blue psionics sparked from the corners of his eyes. Slowly, messily, a shape started to form in front of him. Subtle curves and a soft face. It twitched every so often, but without too much trouble Aradia was standing in front of it, the loving smile he’d grown fond of on her lips.  
  
Sollux let out a breath he hadn’t notice he’d been holding in a big laugh, “It… It worked! AA, can you thtill hear me?”  
  
His blood pusher flipped when the psionic form in front of him spoke with her words, “Of course I can still hear you silly. I can always hear you.”  
  
Their conversation continued for a while longer on until Sollux’s fingers were numb. Whether it was the chill in the air, or the constant stream of his powers, he wasn’t sure. But he tried to ignore it. He had Aradia back. It might have been just a blink in the grand scheme, but if he could, he’d live in this moment forever. She was right in front of him. Sitting right beside him. Laughing and talking.  
  
Aradia’s voice came with a bitter cold gust, suddenly worried, “Are you alright Sollux?”  
  
He cocked his head to the side, looking at her. She looked scared, the edges of her form fizzling slightly. Sollux struggled to keep his psionics together to keep her in one piece. The concern in her voice made it hard. Sollux flashed his best reassuring smile, “I’m jutht a little tired ith all. Don’t worry.”  
  
He watched her look out across the fields, “It’s getting late. Do you think you should head back to your hive soon? I wouldn’t want you to get sick or something on my account.”  
  
Sollux chuckled, “Pleathe AA, I can handle thith. Don’t worry your pretty little hornth off.”  
  
  
A female sigh and a brush of air that numbed his nose. It was freezing, but Sollux wasn’t about to turn in. Not when for the first time since her death he was seeing her again. He was too happy to leave now. He felt the hair on his arm raise as her form inched closer, resting her head on his shoulder. He tried to rest his chin on her head but only succeeded in passing through her. His psionics weren’t perfect, but this was close enough. He sighed, letting out a big cloud of condensation. Aradia looked up at him,  
  
“Sollux, maybe it IS best if you went home. You’re not looking too good. You can always come back tomorrow, or in a few days. I won’t be upset.”  
  
“Bu-”  
  
“I would rather you were healthy and happy than sick and miserable.” she said sternly, glitchy red and blue features hardset. She always had been so stubborn.  
  
Sollux sighed, running a hand through his hair. Now that she mentioned it, he was starting to doubt his choice to stay out this late. It was the beginning of winter and he’d used his powers more in the last few hours than he had in AGES. He was tired. But it was all more than worth it to be able to see her again. Her smile, her hair, her little hands.  
  
“Sol-“  
  
He blacked out, slumping forward, his eyes rolling back into his head. The form next to him twitched and sparked before exploding, fizzling electricity out into the cold air with a sharp gasp. A few flakes of snow started to fall, dotting the grass.  
  
Sollux wasn’t sure how much longer after that that he laid there in the grass, snow collecting on his clothes and in his hair. But when he woke, he could see the faintest glow of the sun rising. He needed to get home soon. His body ached and his muscles screamed. It took a moment for him to realize someone was there with him. Still exhausted and distraught, he whirled around,  
  
“AA?”  
  
He was met by another troll, a lot shorter. He dropped his gaze to look at him. Those horns were huge! Sollux had never talked to him personally, but from what Aradia had said before her death, this was Tavros Nitram, her FLARP partner. Or… former partner.  
  
“Uh, no. Sorry.” He apologized.  
  
Sollux struggled to stand, only succeeding in nearly falling over. Tavros’ hands reached out, supporting him. Sollux looked up at him, and shrugged him off lightly,  
  
“Thankth TV.”  
  
“It’s no problem. But, uh, why are you out here? If you don’t mind me asking?” he asked, one hand still out in case he had another dizzy spell. Even from his four-wheeled device he was more concerned about Sollux.  
  
He looked over his shoulder at the open fields covered with a thin layer of frost. He rubbed his arms as his scan of the surroundings panned over Aradia’s destroyed hive. Sollux looked back at Tavros, “I wath jutht vithiting an old friend.”  
  
Tavros dropped his gaze to his gloved hands in his lap. He didn’t say anything, just nodded. Sollux looked around, suddenly a bit confused,  
  
“Did you… did you wheel yourthelf out here? Why?”  
  
The brown blood looked up with a small smile, “I was just visiting an old friend.”  
  
He couldn’t help but chuckle at the unexpected answer. Tavros smiled up at him, letting out a sigh, “It’s getting early. I think it’s best we uh, you know, head back.”  
  
With a bit of work he unstuck his wheel from the soft ground, pushing himself with stern concentration. He fumbled with it, and he got stuck a few times. Sollux shook his head, grabbing the handles on the back of the four-wheeled device and giving him a hefty push. Tavros’ head whipped around, almost clipping Sollux in the arm with his massive rack,  
  
“You uh, you really don’t have to do that! I-“  
  
“Just shush and let me push, alright? It’th the leatht I can do.” he said, watching where they were going.  
  
“For what?”  
  
“For coming and theeing AA.” He explained, the lump in his throat hard to talk through.  
  
Tavros was quiet for a minute, letting Sollux push him. It would take a while to get back to his hive, but at least it wasn’t as far off as Sollux’s was. In the silence Tavros never asked WHY Sollux had been passed out in the grass outside Aradia’s hive, and for that, Sollux was grateful. After a little while Tavros spoke up, “It’s nothing really. I… come out every couple days and leave her flowers. Or something. It’s um, the least I can do. She was a good FLARP partner. I uh, kinda miss her.”  
  
A strong gust blew through, ruffling clothes and hair. Sollux stopped to look back in the direction the wind had come from, staring off into the distance.  
  
“Me too TV.”  
  
\--  
  
\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) began trolling twinArmageddons (TA) at 18:14 –  
  
CG: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN BULGEPRINCE?  
  
TA: iif iit’2 really any of your bu2iine22, ii wa2 out vii2iitiing aa.  
  
CG: YOU JUST DROP OFF FLOWERS OR SOMETHING?  
  
TA: no. 2he and ii had a niice chat. ii pa22ed out toward2 the end, but ii’m 2ure 2he’2 not two mad.  
  
Sollux stared at the screen for a while, still cold and damp. He’d slip into his ‘coon for some sleep soon. Just sit and talk to KK for a bit, then rest.  
  
TA: anyway. diid you want two 2ee that chatlog? 2he 2aiid iit wa2 pretty iimportant.  
  
CG: YEAH I GUESS. SEND IT OVER.  
  
\-- twinArmageddons (TA) sent file: aachatlog7.doc --  
  
\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) is now an idle chum! –  
  
Sollux’s eyebrows pressed together. He sat back in his chair, listening to the drone of the bees behind him. He’d wait a little longer, let Karkat read, then he’d go to bed. Honestly, after the night he had, Karkat wasn’t really worth his time if he was going to act like this.  
  
CG: YOU HAD A COMPLETE CONVERSATION WITH HER?  
  
CG: LIKE, BACK AND FORTH AND EVERYTHING?  
  
TA: ii2n’t that how mo2t conver2atiion2 work?  
  
CG: YEAH BUT  
  
CG: DON’T MOCK ME JACKASS. I WAS BEING SERIOUS.  
  
TA: why the hell wouldn’t iit have been a ‘back and forth’ conver2atiion? kk, you’re not makiing any 2en2e.  
  
CG: YOU REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND? YOU POOR FUCK.  
  
CG: I’M SORRY.  
  
TA: what the fuck are you blatheriing on about? ii thiink you need two get 2ome 2leep kk. you’re delu2iional.  
  
CG: I’M THE SANE ONE HERE. YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S LOST THEIR FUCKING MARBLES!  
  
TA: iif you’re not goiing two ju2t tell me what the fuck you’re talkiing about, ii’m ju2t goiing two go two 2leep kk. thii2 ii2 riidiiculou2.  
  
CG: SHE’S DEAD YOU IDIOT. ARADIA’S BEEN DEAD FOR A WHILE!  
  
TA: no 2hiit. ii’ve been talkiing two her 2iince 2he diied. 2he 2ay2 iit’2 not 2o bad. ii don’t under2tand your conniiptiion fiit.  
  
CG: NO.  
  
CG: YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT THROUGH YOUR THINK PAN SOLLUX.  
  
CG: SHE’S *DEAD*. SHE’S NOT A GHOST. SHE’S DEAD. YOU’RE NOT TALKING TO ANYONE BUT YOURSELF! WHY THE FUCK CAN’T YOU SEE THAT?  
  
Sollux stared at the screen, reading the line a few more times.  
  
TA: ehehe. real funny kk. you’re not very good at trolliing. your lu2u2 would be a2hamed.  
  
CG: YOU INSUFFERABLE LITTLE GRUBFUCKER! YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT.  
  
CG: SOLLUX. ARADIA IS DEAD. YOUR HEAD IS CREATING VISIONS AND VOICES OF HER SO THAT YOU CAN COPE. KANAYA EXPLAINED THIS SHIT TO ALL OF US IN A MEMO NOT LONG AGO. SHE SAID TO JUST LEAVE YOU ALONE AND LET YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT YOUR WAY.  
  
CG: BUT I CAN’T KEEP LYING TO YOU LIKE THIS. YOU’RE DESTROYING YOURSELF. IT’S NOT RIGHT.  
  
CG: SHE’S DEAD AND THERE ISN’T A DAMN THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT ANYMORE. GET OVER IT. IT’S PART OF THIS FUCKED UP SHITTY THING WE CALL LIFE.  
  
CG: PEOPLE DIE.  
  
CG: YOU’RE STILL ALIVE. MAKE THE MOST OF IT AND LET THE DEAD GIRL ROT IN PEACE.  
  
CG: PLEASE.  
  
TA: okay. maybe you’re not 2o bad at trolliing. you got me. can we ju2t drop iit. ii wa2 ju2t talkiing two her. iif you don’t want to beliieve me, don’t. ii could giive three fuck2.  
  
TA: and all tho2e log2 are 2oliid proof. iif you’re two bliind two read what’2 riight iin front of your no2e then fiine. ii don’t even care anymore kk. ii really don’t.  
  
TA: ii know ii’m riight. and ii know you’re wrong.  
  
TA: and that’2 the end of that. 2o plea2e, can we ju2t drop iit?  
  
CG: NO.  
  
CG: NO. NO. NO.  
  
CG:AUGH! I DON’T EVEN HAVE WORDS!  
  
CG: HERE, LOOK AT IT. THE FILE YOU JUST SENT ME IS JUST YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF. NONE OF IT MAKE SENSE. IT’S JUST A ONE SIDED CONVERSATION.  
  
\-- carcinoGeneticist (CG) sent file: aachatlog7.doc --  
  
Sollux growled, angrily clicking through it all. He’d read it. Whatever. Humor the little nookstain. he already knew what the document said, he’d read it already. He clicked it open and his bloodpusher hammered against his ribs. Sollux cocked his head to the side, reading through it. He shook his head, pulling over the chat box, typing angrily.  
  
TA: you thiink thii2 ii2 real funny. don’t you? ii can practiically hear you laughiing your fool head off. you thiink thii2 ii2 a riiot.  
  
TA: that’2 fuckiing dii2respectful kk. 2eriiou2ly. you ju2t tore aa’2 text out. why the hell are you thii2 iin2ii2tant? why doe2 iit matter to you?  
  
TA: ii 2aiid ju2t drop iit. you’re wrong alriight? FUCK.  
  
CG: JUST.  
  
CG: LOOK AT IT YOU FUCKING MORON.  
  
CG: IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME, LOOK AT YOUR OWN DAMN COPY OF IT.  
  
CG: SOLLUX, YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO YOURSELF!  
  
He shook his head. No. Karkat was wrong. He had to be. Just really dedicated trolling tonight. Sollux had to give him props. It was almost convincing. Maybe he wasn’t so bad at all of this after all. He clicked through the logs, opening the latest. His mismatched eyes scanned through it, his eyebrows slowly pinching together. Sollux’s mouth was suddenly very dry.  
  
How had Karkat tampered with his copy? He would have known if the he’d tampered with the document and put a virus in it or something. But a virus specifically to delete anything he’d saved that Aradia had said? That was low, even for Karkat. Disbelief ran through him, squeezing his bloodpusher until he thought it might pop. He flipped through the files, and all the logs he’d saved since Aradia’s death.  
  
With each file, the lump in his throat got bigger and harder to breathe past. It was all gone. All the logs were devoid of anything Aradia had ever said. It was all blank. Just walls of Sollux’s own piss colored text. He’d been talking to himself, just hours of one sided conversations.  
  
\-- twinArmageddons (TA) ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG) at 18:55 –  
  
He shut his husktop, backing up from the desk to curl up in the chair, his knees to his chest. The lump of sadness that had been collecting steadily through the night doubled in size, cutting off his air. His muscles twitched and when he gasped to breathe, the dam burst. Yellow streaked down his cheeks, thick and sticky.  
  
Sollux wrapped his arms around his knees tighter, sobbing into them. It went on like this for a good hour at the very least. And when he was exhausted from weeping, he stared off into space, curled up in the pathetic little ball. He glanced up at an uncharacteristically warm breeze from the open window. It prickled across his skin and brought with it the softest voice ever,  
  
“Don’t cry.”  
  
A small hiccup and he looked to the window, biting his lip.  
  
“Smile.”  
  
A stronger gust, “You’ll be alright. I promise.”  
  
The smile reached his lips, his bloodpusher swelling. She was gone. That wasn’t anything he could change. It had also been his fault. But deep down, Sollux knew that Aradia understood. She wasn’t mad. She didn’t hold him accountable for any of this horrible mess. And through the haze of tears he could almost make out her face outside his window, smiling at him with that almost motherly, knowing smile.  
  
She forgave him.  
  
It was going to be alright.


End file.
